


i lived my life by loving you

by doubleshot



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, I hurt myself making this, LOTS of comparison and metaphors, Life Partners, M/M, endure my dramatic ass, flowery writing, i wrote and edit this in less than 48 hours, please bear with me, there's legit no convo, they're roughly the same age, this is just a life story until they die, very very soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:02:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28604130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubleshot/pseuds/doubleshot
Summary: Choi Beomgyu and Choi Yeonjun.Two different people with two different ways of living their life.Yet despite the way they love differently, they still live a life more beautiful than anything else in the world.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	i lived my life by loving you

**Author's Note:**

> the whole idea was based on the tweet made by @txtreats on twitter, I'm very sorry for not mentioning her in the first place, but that tweet got stuck in my head and somehow I just come up with this.
> 
> thank you very very much to my soulmates Sofia and Seli for beta reading this fic, your enthusiastic responses are what pushed me to post this short fic here. 
> 
> this is my first ever fic, and it's not in your usual format, but I hope you can enjoy this very dramatic piece of writing. I swear it's really soft, even I melt making it.
> 
> if you're also interested, I have a playlist for you to listen to while reading this and also songs that I think fits the vibe of this fic  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4AMCREQ7b6L0LQO8SeWAti?si=d8Rxey4RT5KLxPKXDKzsbQ

Choi Beomgyu's life force shines brighter than anything else you could imagine in this world.

You can see it from the simplest things.

It’s the way he skips in his steps when he’s excited about the smallest things, from getting his favorite chocolate cookie-dough ice cream, finishing the toughest homework that would take him hours to finished, walking down the side of the beach with the soft, subtle waves lapping to washed away the burden on his feet, to the first time he walks down the sidewalk with fingers woven together with another pair.

It’s the way he smiles so brightly, the corners of his mouth stretching wide, his dimples deepening to make his face appeared sweeter, the corners of his eyes crinkling slightly, his nose scrunching endearingly.

It’s the way he laughs with his whole body, a sound sweeter than fiction and brighter than any shooting star streaking the night sky.

It’s the way his expressions were as visible to everyone as an open-book. When he’s angry, his perfectly sculpted eyebrows are drawn together like magnets, lips forming a thin line to hold him back from saying anything he might regret afterward. How his eyes twinkle and shine brightly with the sparkle of a million stars painting the night sky when he’s fulfilled and happy. How his ears turn bright red when he’s embarrassed or shy, eyes darting back and forth, his mouth forming a thin smile to keep his laughter in. Even when he’s devastated, you can see his twinkling eyes slowly lose their light, a cloud of storms gathering in, threatening to spill down the rain of tears down his trembling cheeks.

It’s the way he would liven up a situation when things took a turn for the worse, his cheery voice never fails to fill in the dark corners of everyone’s heart. How he would excitedly take your hand and pull you to join his grand adventure that is his life, no matter how small the actions are. How he never falters when things get in his way, his restless body always daring the world to stop him but nothing ever could. And of course, how he always throws himself into the world, giving away his mind, body, soul, and spirit, the glass that is his life essence is always on the brink of spilling from the sides, his heart full of everything a single human being could contain. How he’s always shining so brightly, illuminating the world around him while he slowly melts away into the corners of the hearts all around him, giving himself nothing in return, the only thing he received back is the warmth he gave for others.

He lives his life like it’s the last day given to him on earth.

Meanwhile, Choi Yeonjun exist in the shadows.

Unlike Beomgyu, with all the vivid colors of the sun, bright blue skies, and the burning shade of the flame, Yeonjun’s world is painted in muted shades of blue and grey.

It’s the way his lips, luscious and vibrant, never quirked in the same way everyone does when they smile. The smiles he gave to the world are nothing more than a subtle shift on the corner of his lips as if the world itself didn’t deserve all that he could give them.

It’s the way his eyes, sharp as a fox, are shining with the dimness of flickering light in a dark room, barely visible through the cracked walls of his defenses. The same eyes held a thousand secrets as well as promises long kept and long gone. The same eyes that never missed a single thing around him, not for his own sake, but more on the boy that shines brightly next to him, his bright flames threatening to be doused out by the dullness of the people around him.

It’s the way he likes to keep quiet about his dreams and futures, all the good things and the bad resulting from it. How he would stay behind in the dance studio, saying nothing to his classmates to lessen their already growing worries. And how he would pour out his heart and soul to the foggy mirror around him, his mind silenced from their constant train of thoughts and worries from the day, quieted by the movement of his body, so fluid and thoughtless, yet so sharp and focused, in-sync with the beat of music blaring through the speaker.

It’s the way he keeps his thoughts to himself, letting it drive him into the border of madness from time to time. How he never screams out loud out of frustration towards a certain situation, rather, he lets his head scream, scream, and scream so loud, they exhaust themselves into a deafening silence.

It’s the way he would bring a sense of serenity to the people around him, a quiet sea in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. His voice, gentle and firm, would wash out the intense fire of the situation, bringing in the cold touch of logic and reality.

He lives his life like he has all the time this world could give, no sense of rush and the excitement of chasing after something, just the quiet, absolute certainty of the future laid in front of his eyes, and he was savoring all of it.

Every person has another side on their coin, one entirely different from the other side. You flipped their coins, and you would see another side of them.

Despite the boldness and the colorful place Beomgyu exists in, he prefers to keep his love to himself.

It’s fitting, since the day Beomgyu had the realization that his feelings for the older are more than just friendly feelings, it wasn’t shouted at the top of his lungs, nor was it with a grand gesture being done under the changing light of the dusk. No, it was under the harsh light of the dance room, humid air pulling on his skin and hair, sweat covering his face and his whole body. It was the whisper of Yeonjun’s small act of affection, his best birthday gift he could ever ask for. It was the way Yeonjun picked up his guitar and sang him a song, a song made by himself given as a gift for Beomgyu’s nineteenth birthday. It was how the elder, even when he couldn’t play the guitar as fluently as the others, still tried the hardest to learn how to play it just to show off his new song.

And suddenly, Beomgyu reflected on every one of their shared moments. From their simple hand holding, subtle touches on the back of his neck as reassurance, leaning onto each other’s shoulder when they are weary, to the times where Beomgyu would wake up in the middle of the night, heart restless, his treacherous feet moving on its accords toward Yeonjun’s room. How he often watches the elder sleep serenely, hands covering the other side of the bed, then he would slip in silently. How Yeonjun would immediately move slightly to the other side the second the bed dipped a fraction under the added weight of Beomgyu’s body.

And Beomgyu wonders at how their display of affections, small as they might be, means something more. If Yeonjun squeezing his hands and rubbing circles on his palm are just gestures of a friend centering him to the ground or it was his way of showing what he cannot express in words. He thinks back to the time Yeonjun would daringly circle his arm on Beomgyu’s waist while walking towards a café together or when they would go shopping in a quest for buying each other’s outfits. Or the time where Yeonjun would boldly flirt to get a rise out of the younger, his sweet tongue coming out with honey-glazed words that would get every person blushing as red as a blooming rose.

All the bold, loud gestures Yeonjun does for Beomgyu, everything falls in place when Yeonjun confesses his love for the younger, burning as hot as the fireplace and as bright as the sunlight on a cloudless day. How Yeonjun’s eyes look at another pair of starlight eyes with the hope of a thousand dreams. 

And Beomgyu, with his quiet serenity and certainty, looks at Yeonjun with a smile so soft, it melts the hard edges of his anxious heart. How he tilts his head slightly, the gesture so achingly familiar, Yeonjun burst up and planted a gentle kiss on the younger’s forehead, earning a soft sigh from Beomgyu. At that moment, body sweating, limbs aching and sore from practice, humid air dampening their sweat-slick skin, their hearts have never been fuller.

Even after the frighteningly enthralling ride of their before, the after that comes are just as exciting, if not more beautiful.

During their holidays, when Beomgyu would often stay back to finish up all the works he had early on (and of course, Yeonjun follows him along solely for the puppy eyes and pouty smile Beomgyu gave him when he pleads for Yeonjun to stay with him), Yeonjun would often come to Beomgyu’s room in the middle of the night, the waning light of the moon illuminating the younger’s features, delicate and soft as if he might slowly crumble away into nothingness if he touches him. Yeonjun would stare down at him, the usual dimness of his eyes are reflecting the light from the night sky, making it shine bright, the only witness to this are the moon, stars, and the big teddy bear that has been Beomgyu’s constant companion for the last 5 years. Sometimes, he would just do the same thing the younger usually does on their shared dorms, and snuggle in close, his head resting on the crook of Beomgyu’s neck, softly smelling the scent of him, a mixture of his favorite vanilla-citrus fragrance, the softener used on his white t-shirts, and the natural scent of his body, so familiar, it smelled like home. 

Or on different occasions, the younger’s restless body would awake at the sound of Yeonjun’s shuffled footsteps. His eyes, tired as they are, would shine with the mischief of a fox, daring the fox-eyed male to stop him from doing an action he may regret in the future. 

As reckless as Beomgyu could be, Yeonjun never said no to the small misadventures he offered to him, the only thing worth considering is the spark of joy radiating from Beomgyu whenever his brilliant mind comes up with the most bizarre ideas, often border lining on preposterous, but magnificent nevertheless, leaving Yeonjun’s dull grey mind with a sense of rush and excitement, his crumpled, frail soul catching the spark trailing from Beomgyu, igniting it and spreading all over him until he's left breathless from the full experience.

Midnight mischiefs, that’s what Yeonjun liked to call them.

Racing through the hallways of the student’s dorms, hands poised to knock on every door they passed along the way, their quiet laughter masked by the sound of their pounding steps wounding through the rickety floorboards, their eyes shining with the shared secret of the things they are doing. The screams of the remaining student being awoken from their fitful rest or the groan of the usual late-crammers powered to get through blissful nights by the might of caffeine running in their system never fail to accompany the pair.

Wearing the matching hoodies they bought a long time ago, visiting the nearest convenience store to raid some snacks, and snatching them with the swiftness of lightning and leaving the place as quickly as they had come. Of course, Yeonjun didn’t have the heart to take it all without leaving some money behind, concerned for the fate of the part-time cashier student losing himself in dreamless sleep, body too tired to function after a full day of college activity.

Playing their favorite songs while walking on the sidewalk with a speaker, singing along to them as loud as they can, ignoring the side-eyes and irritated looks from every one among them. Beomgyu would always say that the moon is lonely without the company of the stars, since that day, thick clouds gathered to make a barrier on the sky, almost covering the glimmering starlight entirely. Hence, on that day either, he decided that the lonely moon needed them to get through the loneliness, the loud beat of the music passing the air, drifting towards the sky, through the clouds, and reaching the space beyond. Such logic would be preposterous when anyone else offered it, but Beomgyu makes it sound like it is the only logical thing to do on cloudy nights, even if the rest of the university population have a thing to say about this decision.

If Yeonjun were about to tell someone about Beomgyu, he would tell them all about their endless midnight mischiefs. He would tell them everything Beomgyu was made of, the essence of the sun and the bright illuminating light of the stars and the crashing waves on the reef. He would tell them with such fervor, everyone would see how caught up he is in the entangled web of the threads of love he has for Beomgyu.

You will never see Yeonjun come alive as the hyacinths bloom on spring days as when he is around Beomgyu.

The language of love they danced around with is solidified on Yeonjun’s twenty-seventh birthday, both hands stuck into his jacket pocket, and sharp eyes fixed on the wandering street, bustling with various activities, smelling like early autumn, warm spices, and sweet honey. The same warmth flooded his insides when Beomgyu, his usual golden fire orbs slightly dimmed as if he were waiting in anticipation. And Beomgyu, his Beomgyu, with the life of a thousand suns and the loving soul of the gentle breeze caressing the leaves of autumn, stood up in front of hundreds pair of eyes, went down on one knee in front of the bench they were occupying, and softly said the two words, so simple, so very him with his quiet gaze and a faint blush coloring his gorgeous cheekbones, that it rendered Yeonjun speechless. His hands, very carefully, took the ring from Beomgyu’s cold fingers, his eyes shining with tears, the light that hits them turns the irises into incandescent shades of the rainbow, conveying what words are unable to, the joy and elation in Beomgyu’s similarly bright eyes are as visible as the sun on a cloudless sky. They did not need words, nor displays of affections, the small actions and everything in between that has been left unsaid already spoke for them like the dim light of the moon and the bright shine of the starlight are always a constant companion of each other, lighting the world at the time darkness blanketed the sky.

On their wedding day, with hyacinths blooming on every crevices and corner of the venue, Beomgyu keeps the words he wanted to convey to his love for another time, secrets kept between them, waiting to be said on the dark, dimmed light of their shared apartment room with no one else to bear witness of such devotion. Yeonjun, on the other hand, did not hold back on his vows, amusing the crowd with his 2 minutes speech of the depth of his love and the future he envisions for them, his eyes as bright as the chandelier hanging above them all, the soft smell of the early spring days wafting around the room. There was a certain feeling of magic around them, as if the universe itself, bearing witness to this unity, wholeheartedly blessed the pair, promising nothing but the wonders of the world.

Even if obstacles would always come at them from time to time, hurtling at them with the fervor of the wind on an unforgiving winter.

Days where they would argue over small things, a small matter of differing opinions, often colored their relationship. And how they have a large falling-out over having children, leading to Beomgyu packing up his bags in his silent rage and frustration, his steps heavy as he leaves for Daegu, the knot in his head needs untangling before he could face Yeonjun again. His days, usually started with the warm, comforting smell of fresh-brewed coffee and the deep, captivating fragrance of Yeonjun’s sandalwood perfume, are replaced by the thick scent of his mother’s comfort foods and the slight smell of cigar from outside the house. He would often brood over waking up without the soft breath caressing his nape, no hands circling his waist, and nobody to warm him on the cold nights. And when his heart aches so much, he couldn’t bear to live with it anymore, he packed up his bags once more to head back, expecting Yeonjun to be away from the unbearable pain in the ass that is himself, only to be greeted by a piece of signed paper. And not just any paper.

Because no matter how he loathes having Beomgyu’s attention away from him, he would bear the consequences of it, the only thing that mattered was the pure elation and the return of the pair of eyes lit by starlight, shining again to illuminate his broken heart, knitting it back to make it whole once again. 

The life they live was full of all that they had expected and everything in between. Beomgyu still burning with the same fire he has in his youth days, his body always defying the law of science to bend to his will, and Yeonjun trails him along, needing the passion and spark while being the one centering Beomgyu, the steady place to come home to. Beomgyu, the wild storm- ever-changing and mighty, and Yeonjun, the anchor, sunlit and warm.

And when the day comes where the stars shining in the vast darkness of Beomgyu’s eyes dimmed slowly, his restless body finally lets go of the violent energy, the cold hand clasped in Yeonjun’s wrinkly one going limp, that was the moment where Yeonjun’s world collapsed on their axis. The small smile still etched on his now peaceful face, stayed on the corners of his mind even when his memories betrayed him, fleeting in and then leaving him with barely any traces to remember him by. He often awoke in the middle of the night, trembling hands still reaching towards the other side of the bed, searching for the warmth that has resided there for the last 40 years of his life, the only feeling there was the cold emptiness of his hollowed-out soul as if he knows his heart would never be completed again, even when his mind couldn’t catch up with it.

As the days go by, the memory of him starts to fade into the nothingness of his despair. The day they fight because Beomgyu wanted to adopt a child but Yeonjun disagrees. When they finally did, raising a baby boy, now a grown man with a beautiful family of his own, overjoyed with the blessing on him halfway across the country. The trip they took, traveling across Europe for two weeks with barely anything to bring except their thick wallets, living off their over washed clothes yet returning with a full suitcase of trinkets and new outfits and an even fuller heart, so content with the shared moments, they burst of elation. The day of their marriage, the smell of the hyacinths, and early spring. The day of their proposal, with leaves in shades of burning amber and brown falling upon them, the smell of street food and cinnamon wafting through the air. Yeonjun’s mind, which has held on to those memories, starts to let go of them, unable to withhold the current that nature had set upon it.

And the last memory he clings on to, the memories of their youth, the memories of him, has finally disappeared into the last corner of his mind.

No longer can he remember how Beomgyu would take him to his midnight mischiefs, or how bright he shines, illuminating his dull world. No longer did he remember the way his eyes, so dark, so beautiful, would shine with the light of a thousand stars beyond this galaxy, or how they would burn with the passion of a raging fire. No longer did he remember the feel of his warmth, the small touches, and his comforting presence. The only thing not failing him is his heart, patiently waiting for the time when they could be whole again.

The day it does, he does not resist the pull of death. He embraces it like a lovers’ caress, letting himself go with the current pulling him under, because he knows with absolute certainty that the person residing in his mind, heart, body, and soul, would be waiting for him on the other side, with a smile on his lips, ready to take his hand.

And he would be whole again.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it through until the end, thank you! and yes I wasn't supposed to make it into a fic like this at all but my creative juices were pumping and I wrote it all. I hope it was somewhat enjoyable ><
> 
> anyway, my twitter is @prodbeomie_ if you want to keep in touch! I'll post more fics soon


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